人在哲途

好多次觉得这个世界也没有让我觉得留恋的，自己的心总是不能自在起来，连自己也无法说出自己要的是什么 爱的是什么 也没有什么真正值得憎恨的... ... 曾经觉得纯真的爱情是真的 很久前 多少次地解剖自己的那颗似是而非的心 爱的是什么 目的是什么 似乎好多次都有个自己不敢面对的答案， 人最没有勇气莫过于承认违背心的言语，而境地次次逼迫看清其真面目；不管多少次的昏沉 总有清晰之刻 仅刹那的光环让迷失的心碰撞了揪心的感觉； 自己其实是很无情的 要的并不是那肌肤之亲或是受到爱之使者的庇护 是抚慰不安定的心 那刹刹那那不能寂寞的心 追溯其源头：莫非我心空空如也 ... ... 是的! 事实即是如此，我呆呆地站在那儿 问着自己 要改变吗？不用了 因为人太习惯常态 怎可改变呢！厌倦了太多次否定很多事，人与物，失望便自然持续不断！ 即使找到个爱你的人 又如何 无法成为心灵鸡汤来抚慰你那空虚的心； 即使成为了大富长者 又如何 无法购买众多的非卖品； 好想以前那样 无忧地与友人谈天谈地 而现在没有友人 没有合心意的玩伴；偶尔那么几个 却摇身变为背叛者 从来不觉的缺少爱情就不能活的精彩 而没有同契的朋友是内心彷徨的缘由 不尽向往国外昔日的生活 好想回到过去 很惬意 很自由 很浪漫 喝杯咖啡都是那么的悠哉浪漫的事！在每次与人分手后 就觉得很悲哀 很无趣 然后否定一切的人！我想我需要离开这里一阵了 但连这个我也没有权力做到！ 人人都嚷嚷着要结婚 但我说 结婚便是热混 为何人人都要结婚 传统一定是好的吗！讨厌世俗的典礼 厌烦亲人无间断询问与他们无关的婚姻话题！沧桑 让我清静 给我自由 赋予我个人权力 ... ... ...

何时得知自己的心病了！ 是的 离我最亲近的那个尤物病了 变的不听话 老让我不停的左右徘徊或是前后踌躇 犹如在火的外焰上煎烤。 病态让她不再象以往那么的勇敢 懦弱的蒙蔽自己的眼眸只因为无法面对心焦的现实 病态让她不再象过去那样的坚持 胆怯的回避自己的视线只因为无法回应尴尬的禁地 病态让她不再向前方探望景观 亦不再朝上方眺望蔚蓝的天空 心太沉重了 所以无法与她的负荷能力平衡 就此将要成为自由落体原理的范本。 爱是一边 实境亦是一边 病态的心应怎样对待我们那错位的情感 爱是一种依偎 那被依偎的人是否就是你的爱的依附处 显然两者不是一个充要条件 故此 我们说爱是一回事 恋爱是另一件事 然而婚姻是一个让人无法选择的禁地 有些人不能爱 有种人爱不了 某些人却无法陪伴你跨入婚姻的围城 由此不禁冥想婚姻的意义 本无义只因传统之束缚 回首的历程 自问为何爱的人总是那么的茫然 爱的空间总是那么的狭小 爱的有效期总是那么短促 爱的涉及度总是那么的宽大 贫困不可怕 而面对满席佳肴的人 那是一种残酷 冷血不可畏 而具有选择性的冷血 那是一种煎熬 被爱不可怕 而对执着爱人多与被爱的人 那是一种负担 爱人不可畏 而面对爱而不知所措的人 那何尝不是一种锥心的无奈 满付教条和规矩的人生 爱是一种昂贵的物品 即便是赠送的也是无本维护的 而自己就是那个手无分文的人 ！

It has been for a while since I came back home from the UK, and I have to say that I do feel something is missing, perhaps, which is called 'freedom'. Like many others, I do sense my mentality does not seem to catch up with the one people possess, should I be down about it? No idea about it... Having stayed here just over 2 months, I seem threatened by the life style, it is not about whether it is good or bad. Often, I dont think I am at fault in such a matter: if cultural issues are present in mergers and acquisitions, they are actually hidden in every corner of the world, so is it in Shanghai. For example, it is the western culture that people would call you sth like 'love' and 'dear', but it doesnt seem acceptable when it happens here because it is not part of our Chinese culture. At worst, wherever you go, to make money out of serving you, many talk to you with such a manner. I hate people calling you 'beauty', it is just too hypocritical, simplly, the logic is that I am not a beauty and thus shouldnt be called so. At this moment, I got it, I should not have taken the life too serious. The society here is too complex for me, and I suspect if I can be alive in a good shape in the future. With the early morning approaching, my mind is a bit drained, and cannot talk logically. However, I still want to talk to myself a bit. Many girls are pretty much scared of the lines on their faces, which doesnt seem to be the case for me; rather, I am so frightened by the fact that I am forgetting those memorial times to large extent since I have been in a state of torpor led by the understanding of the reality where I fail to find anything worthy of my life. Somehow, I dont know if it is a right way to say that I'd prefer to be at the earlier age. I have no idea why love, marriage and money dont appear to catch my attention any more. Guys are interesting but it is not a sufficient reason for me to have myself involved with them. Marriage seems a contract that ensures spouses to live with some sorts of promises but does it really work? Putting the human nature aside, the fast paced life style in the city is very much contributing to the failure of monogamy, which suddenly wipes out the meaning of marriage, actually turns it into a lie that creates massive pain. Needless to say, money is a good thing but it cannot catch the essence of my life; even if standing on the top of the world, say the richest, then what happiness follows? THEN..., where is the source of my happiness, I am trying hard to seek it, hope the journey will goes well. ==================================================== Regularly, I think of someone who I did harm ages ago, and thus felt so sorry. After all the journey I have been through these years, my feeling is still embedded somewhere in my mind. My friend told me, love never goes away but changes its form over time, and this makes great sense. If I knew it was so important to me, I wouldnt have done that that I didnt mean to. But, it was just a hyperthetical; on the other hand, if I was given another chance to make a choice, I dont know if I would say not doing it. Everybody has his/her destiny, in case of a contradiction between two desires, how can one make a sensable decision. At the end of the day, all I was left is wondering about what on earth I want, which then opens a path of confusion and loneliness that cannot even be given any definite answer. 一条寂寞之路踏于足下，只有两端，没有岔道， 亦无选择； 一颗孤寂之心存于心间，只有曾经，没有回路， 亦无抉择。 我该慢慢地回味往事，直到不久的一天，自己将自己沉浸于无限事，遗忘于踌躇中， 埋没于辩证定义中。 倘若我能忘了自己，置身于无为中，或许会随意些！

孤寂随风 独坐于深闺，思绪寥若晨星， 心绪混乱如麻， 故应止一切之妄念，兴许了断人生之不快；吾人均明此理，但孰能为之？ 不想此岸之虚空，唯想彼岸之逍遥。自己虽不是天才，不能如愿的脱离意志之掌控， 以艺术及哲学淡化自身显著之性格，即同化心灵刹那之感受与意志之创造， 以至忘却个人性格所支配的一面。然而，正如Schopenhauer所述，艺术之创造者与其之欣赏者有同等才能， 不想妄自菲薄， 不敢担前者之衔， 但非不可为后者。 热衷于人情淡漠之群体竟是成就愚人之前奏，不如封闭沉思于瞬间源自艺术与哲学之怡悦。 想象是虚幻的，却在残酷与美好隙间筑起永不跨越的长桥， 不会带来不止之乐亦不会蒙上许久之痛，犹如轻轻点水，在那永久寻求而又永久不可得的安宁中偷生着， 最终，以孤寂者为名，此孤寂只可随风， 飘浮于半透明的天空中。无论温顺的微风还是狂野的强风，它总是以半存在的形态而存在于宇宙中。

痛恶之尘世 许久之前，人本为世界之骄子似是不易之论，；此一时彼一时，此念不以为然，众人之见未必绝对，故不足为训；回首归路，非事物变更，只是人心恍惚飘动。如今，唯独自然是如此之纯真， 人情之世界显得何等寒心，冷酷，稀糟；跨别桩桩消逝之往事，换来清静且简易之生活，无事则无乐亦无悲， 何等之平静！只是，梦中追先前及当前之忧与悲，自另一方面谓，人生无不有生之哀， 不足以此挂怀？ 是啊，处处讲的是理，众人可明； 人人唱的是曲，众人可聆，但求明知何人之理为真， 何人能行其理？ 何人之曲为绝， 何人能唱其妙？ 犹如， 众人说佛，讲佛，礼佛，敬佛，念佛， 但孰能体会佛之真知？虽吾人均名为‘人’，有曲伸之体， 有行走之肢，名符其实吗？ 非也。 直言不讳地说，四处是行尸走肉的zombie，天下乌鸦一般黑，重义之人似是生于另一界面中。动之物为虚， 即丑，静之物为美，即真。故此，真，善， 美为后者--- 其后者为死之物。死亡的表象是可怕的，然其之福似却遗忘于人群中，从空气中蒸发而终。

Long for France! It has been a long time since last English article, well, I feel so comfortable with the way I talk about what I want to express. Using English always makes me feel as if I was back to UK where I enjoyed my freedom. If a dream comes true where I could lead a quiet and secluded life, I would perfer to shorten my life to substitute for being in such a paradise. However, it seems impossible; Human being should be bound in moral rules and I am not out of exception.Schopenhauer is right about the conclusion that character determines destiny for the reason that the stronger the character is, the harder the destiny is. Thus I know what kind of life I could have, this is a matter of fact because I would never be able to change the way I was born with, nor the destiny that is supposed to be. I wish I could be in st.andrews and never thought of coming back; It is the way it is, no one but myself can be blamed. I just wish to go to my dreamy country-- France, no one knows me and I know nobody; even sitting in a small coffee or desert shop and appreciating those busy strangers is a cosy thing; I did acquaint with many people, but they entirely look strangers to me, no one really interests me; I did try to be in some places, but not a single place grasps my mind. That leads to my realisation that nothing really matters! I hate this world, the world abandons me, yesterday, today, and the future...

欲想友人得福 今天，与一友人喝咖啡，得知其锥心之婚姻生活，不甚感慨万分，世路如此之扭曲让人不堪目睹其真相。责任与仁义道德之轻视被发挥的淋漓尽致， 使自己憎恨此种道德败坏，昧心行事的男人，几十年的困苦婚姻对一个寒心养家的女人意味着多少煎熬，丈夫无心顾家却有心找女人真是无言以对。每个女人都需要爱，入住婚姻围墙之内牵系着应有责任与义务，故此截断了不伺二主之退路；若母为儿女着想，忍气吞声，陷一己爱恨于不顾。若儿女倍加爱母，则其心存欣慰， 但永不可填补创伤之痛；若儿女不孝，则无生存之由。 花花世界，正反颠倒，道义沦丧，忘恩负义，身为妇人何等之悲凉。人生苦短，转瞬即逝，天下负心汉须多加反省，既许诺与佳偶结成连理，何必半途负人。愿菩萨保佑我那友人幸福安康，子女孝顺快乐。

深度诱惑 连续剧《深度诱惑》让一个人反思且确认了人生道德观； 一个被丈夫毒打后而导致流产的孕妇回国，为的是忘记此锥心之痛；满怀沧桑的她或许为了抚平伤口或许为了找回10年前之旧爱， 和昔日男友在醉酒后发生了一夜情并且迎来了她的最后一次怀孕；然而，那个男人已有家室， 闻知其女的悲惨之况后， 不再坚持说服她打胎之意；了解此事后的妻子割舍她深爱的人， 主动提出了离婚；世事难料，随离婚到来的是那妻子竟然也怀孕了，深度的爱与祈求公平之潜意识的她以试探口吻问前夫：如果我也怀孕了， 你会和我在一起吗？ 前夫答道：是的。前妻说：谢谢， 有你这一句就够了。 更残酷的事实是，由日本归来的女人是很悲惨， 是很可怜， 但是这所有的一切是她一手安排所致，这是因为她成功的运用了那个男人极强之责任感。此事例中， 你若那个男士， 你又会怎样谋出你的抉择呢？ 可见，世上事物之单纯的表象是多么能愚弄人， 不， 准确地讲，人之愚昧甚为惧怕；但是， 自己若是此剧中之前妻，也会做与她相同的选择；如果自己的痛苦能够换回更多人或你爱人之福， 那应该是对的，亦应该是道德的，所以此种思绪应被理解为顺上苍之意的。因为鄙人深信：精神世界应高于所有其它之事物与欲望， 所以为私欲而做出违背良知之举的人事后还是受到良心的谴责，所以尽管许多人面对他人心无愧疚， 而私下并非不被其所作所为而怀有内疚... 冥思几回，扪心自问：现世已存久矣，各方面均朝着极致之方发展，正面地， 也是反面的；以往人总是利用身外事物之弱点，譬如，金钱和权利之欲来致服他人；而今，人们更普遍地运用人之本性来对付那些不为金钱与权利而折腰之人， 即所谓的道德或是道义之欲。 本人认为， 上述剧目之名的由来想必似即是此。人之卑劣，可悲亦可泣！深度之诱惑，你遇到了吗？你会的。就算是翻手为雨覆手为云的皇帝也不例外； 你们又以何种态度来对待此事呢？ 本人之见为：既来之，则安之；驱散怨恨， 放宽心房，向天仰望， 那里有个人在看你所为， 她会给你定夺一切的；让丧尽天良之卑劣之人来承担其所作的恶行。至关重要还是要观物观其本质，观人观人之本然，那么，再深度之诱惑也无济于事， 难道不是吗？ 从另一种角度看， 当今太多女子故装柔弱以得诸多男士关爱与怜惜，刚烈而不为自尊屈服的女人不懂自身承受力，每一次地刚强需多少次坚强的伪装来圆成， 如此多的非真实之内心强悍犹如根根隐刺深深地扎在本就薄弱的心坎上，此剧中的归国女子即是如此；由此，不得不承认， 她是不幸的， 但是， 因为自身悲哀而去扰乱他人幸福是不对的， 所以她更为不幸。 祸福相依， 善恶相联， 事事均从一个极端回复到另一个极端，从有形到无形......， 孰能知之？深度诱惑何尝不是让吾人在道德是非之中徘徊，辨析呢？

梦定巴黎！ 不爱黎明，关注黑夜，因为前者让孤寂之心易浮涌出地平线而后者准许抑郁此种心情的蔓延；六年前的自己浮现眼帘， 依旧独坐深闺，仍然心空无物；过于现实的人群让人失望沮丧至无欲走出闺房，偶尔，藏在隔离钢板后，凝望窗外拥挤人海，进行着无目的地的短程旅行；速度帮助遗忘消逝之事，亦忘却自己存在之状态；故此，处在隔离膜之外的环境里，遐想自己深爱的地方以至替代由速度引发而出的零点状态，一个空间与时间交汇点，即一个无痛无乐的状态。 回国一月有十六天，心仍系于异国，即法国巴黎；对具有浪漫天性的人而言， 它永久是无法忘怀， 亦无法放弃向往的地方；鄙人亦不例外；记得，独自站在巴黎闹市的街头等候出租车， 那种寒风刺骨的感觉还记忆留心；在灯光微暗而稍带复古气息的餐厅里， 与品酒好友闲谈， 生活的清淡典雅甚为真实，实在；清晨，一个人坐在路旁咖啡屋，品尝奶味十足的糕点，观望来去匆匆的路人，其心情尤为轻快，舒适。 现今，饭来张口，衣来伸手， 但心之可哀有谁明了？对不做梦的人而言，梦是虚幻的，而对当事者，梦境是真实的； 活的太真， 会受伤；活的太虚，亦会受伤， 那不妨存在半梦半醒之中，梦中有虚，虚中不失真。由此，鄙人弃悲生梦，此梦定于巴黎， 我想， 我一定再次回到那个地方， 一个就算孤独亦会被认为一种悠闲，浪漫与快乐的世外桃源。

Does calmness represent comfort ? I am back to St.Andrews; I cannot figure out the exact reasons why I resisted in returning here; Perhaps I am supposed to know, or just do not distinguish the weight of these excuses; Many assumes that the longer one lives, the more precise he/she should understand the life, however, my case seems converse that makes me in lost. As the experiences I have had were so harsh, or, I am just tremendously sensitive to those depressing feeling, my faith in life are being declayed that surely converts potential happiness to sorrow and pain. Such a conversion does not appear easy to change since the amount of faith is related to experiences; it is very logic to think that bitter experiences become the source of decreasing faith. Life is a lot to do with choices, as my friend said, probably this is true; This has become a major question posed in the front of myself. Following this, various sub-questions have arised such as What I want and what I can get. If I could precisely know given choices, I would try to rationally choose between them, but unfortunately I do not know. When the life is seen as a topic of a research, it is no longer the life. Otherwise, I would have chosen what benefits me but discard what hurts me. The marriage stress from parents has just started its engine and been moving towards me. The struggle is put on a new stage to object me, whose feeling is half impaired. I have never realised the situation as serious and depressing as now since I have never had the feeling of refusing marriage. There should be some time for one to think it over, after all, marriage cannot be treated equivalent to purchasing. At some point, I wish I could be the type who is easily manipulated in the matter of marriage, namely that the type follows whatever parents or the opposite sexs say, but I do not belong to the group. Such a cause of pessimism, in my opinion, should not be attributed to me but this society unless treating one enormously good is wrong. The world has been changed to a way it would otherwise morally not permitted and given this, how many good or moral people we could expect to acquaint with, I doubt about it. It seems more difficult to end up with a good marriage under the depressing world. Therefore, I choose to leave for this place where I enjoy more freedom and calmness. Possibly this could do me the favor of finding the one filling in the position called partner or husband as parents want. In the past, I would disprove those having no proper relationships, but I have showed my understanding, as some of those cannot just cope with it well that leads to a decline in faith in relationship, they are just not lucky enough to be loyally loved and cared for. Having come back to this town, I do feel much calmer that I could not be at home; On one hand, it is good at least I would not suddenly depressed to the tears, on the other hand, there still seems negative feelings going on behind the calmness. After all of these analyses, a conculsion is yielded that the pain will never be diminished or removed no matter wherever you are, alternative to say, the amount of grief in essence remains unchanged; the difference between the two is how the sadness is presented, namely, the form of the sorrow expression. In this sense, calm makes no much sense. With the help of smooth sea, the sorrow is shared with the nature, thanks to her. What a comfort I would take if my life could end up here; no more grief would be experienced nor harmful thoughts would be retained. How wonderful it would be if I was just a blade of grass in the first place, ideally, the grass growing on a high icy mountain. Then the calm does represent comfort. Nevertheless, I know the very fact that staying aboard alone is far better than the life in China. Even walking in a strange crowd alone today I did still have a cosy feeling with less stress present. Isnt it enough to tell me the benefit of being here. The fact is increasingly awared that I should settle down here; do I have much time or convincing reasons to do so... who knows... Only Buddha knows!